The Complete Alice in Wonderland (Wonderland Imprints Master Editions) Read online

  “A fine day, your Majesty!” the Duchess began in a low, weak voice.

  “Now, I give you fair warning,” shouted the Queen, stamping on the ground as she spoke; “either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take your choice!”

  The Duchess took her choice, and was gone in a moment.

  “Let’s go on with the game,” the Queen said to Alice; and Alice was too much frightened to say a word, but slowly followed her back to the croquet-ground.

  The other guests had taken advantage of the Queen’s absence, and were resting in the shade: however, the moment they saw her, they hurried back to the game, the Queen merely remarking that a moment’s delay would cost them their lives.

  All the time they were playing the Queen never left off quarrelling with the other players, and shouting “Off with his head!” or “Off with her head!” Those whom she sentenced were taken into custody by the soldiers, who of course had to leave off being arches to do this, so that, by the end of half an hour or so, there were no arches left, and all the players, except the King, the Queen, and Alice, were in custody and under sentence of execution.

  Then the Queen left off, quite out of breath, and said to Alice “Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?”

  “No,” said Alice. “I don’t even know what a Mock Turtle is.”

  “It’s the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from,” said the Queen.

  “I never saw one, or heard of one,” said Alice.

  “Come on, then,” said the Queen, “and he shall tell you his history,”

  As they walked off together, Alice heard the King say in a low voice, to the company generally, “You are all pardoned.” “Come, that’s a good thing!” she said to herself, for she had felt quite unhappy at the number of executions the Queen had ordered.

  They very soon came upon a Gryphon, lying fast asleep in the sun. (If you don’t know what a Gryphon is, look at the picture.) “Up, lazy thing!” said the Queen, “and take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle, and to hear his history. I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered;” and she walked off, leaving Alice alone with the Gryphon. Alice did not quite like the look of the creature, but on the whole she thought it would be quite as safe to stay with it as to go after that savage Queen: so she waited.

  The Gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes: then it watched the Queen till she was out of sight: then it chuckled. “What fun!” said the Gryphon, half to itself, half to Alice.

  “What is the fun?” said Alice.

  “Why, she,” said the Gryphon. “It’s all her fancy, that: they never executes nobody, you know. Come on!”

  “Everybody says ‘come on!’ here,” thought Alice, as she went slowly after it: “I never was so ordered about, in all my life, never!”

  They had not gone far before they saw the Mock Turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock, and, as they came nearer, Alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would break. She pitied him deeply. “What is his sorrow?” she asked the Gryphon. And the Gryphon answered, very nearly in the same words as before, “It’s all his fancy, that: he hasn’t got no sorrow, you know. Come on!”

  So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing.

  “This here young lady,” said the Gryphon, “she wants for to know your history, she do.”

  “I’ll tell it her,” said the Mock Turtle in a deep, hollow tone: “Sit down, both of you, and don’t speak a word till I’ve finished.”

  So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes. Alice thought to herself, “I don’t see how he can ever finish, if he doesn’t begin.” But she waited patiently.

  “Once,” said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh, “I was a real Turtle.”

  These words were followed by a very long silence, broken only by an occasional exclamation of “Hjckrrh!” from the Gryphon, and the constant heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle. Alice was very nearly getting up and saying “Thank you, Sir, for your interesting story,” but she could not help thinking there must be more to come, so she sat still and said nothing.

  “When we were little,” the Mock Turtle went on at last, more calmly, though still sobbing a little now and then, “we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle—we used to call him Tortoise—”

  “Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn’t one?” Alice asked.

  “We called him Tortoise because he taught us,” said the Mock Turtle angrily. “Really you are very dull!”

  “You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question,” added the Gryphon: and then they both sat silent and looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink into the earth. At last the Gryphon said to the Mock Turtle “Drive on, old fellow! Don’t be all day about it!” and he went on in these words:—

  “Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn’t believe it—”

  “I never said I didn’t!” interrupted Alice.

  “You did,” said the Mock Turtle.

  “Hold your tongue!” added the Gryphon, before Alice could speak again. The Mock Turtle went on.

  “We had the best of educations—in fact, we went to school every day—”

  “I’ve been to a day-school, too,” said Alice. “You needn’t be so proud as all that.”

  “With extras?” asked the Mock Turtle, a little anxiously.

  “Yes,” said Alice: “we learned French and music.”

  “And washing?” said the Mock Turtle.

  “Certainly not!” said Alice indignantly.

  “Ah! then yours wasn’t a really good school,” said the Mock Turtle in a tone of great relief. “Now, at ours, they had, at the end of the bill, “French, music, and washing—extra.’”

  “You couldn’t have wanted it much,” said Alice; “living at the bottom of the sea.”

  “I couldn’t afford to learn it,” said the Mock Turtle, with a sigh. “I only took the regular course.”

  “What was that?” inquired Alice.

  “Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with,” the Mock Turtle replied; “and then the different branches of Arithmetic—Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.”

  “I never heard of ‘Uglification,’ Alice ventured to say. “What is it?”

  The Gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise. “What! Never heard of uglifying!” it exclaimed. “You know what to beautify is, I suppose?”

  “Yes,” said Alice doubtfully: “it means—to—make—anything—prettier.”

  “Well, then,” the Gryphon went on, “if you don’t know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton.”

  Alice did not feel encouraged to ask any more questions about it, so she turned to the Mock Turtle, and said “What else had you to learn?”

  “Well, there was Mystery,” the Mock Turtle replied, counting off the subjects on his flappers,—“Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography: then Drawling—the Drawling-master was an old conger-eel, that used to come once a week: he taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.”

  “What was that like?” said Alice.

  “Well, I ca’n’t show it you, myself,” the Mock Turtle said: “I’m too stiff. And the Gryphon never learnt it.”

  “Hadn’t time,” said the Gryphon: “I went to the Classics master, though. He was an old crab, he was.”

  “I never went to him,” the Mock Turtle said with a sigh. “He taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.”

  “So he did, so he did,” said the Gryphon, sighing in his turn; and both creatures hid their faces in their paws.

  “And how many hours a day did you do lessons?” said Alice, in a hurry to change the subject.

  “Ten hours the first day,” said the Mock Turtle: “nine the next, and so on.”

  “What a curious plan!” exclaimed Alice.

  “That’s the reason they’re called lessons,” the Gryphon remarked: “because they lessen fro
m day to day.”

  This was quite a new idea to Alice, and she thought it over a little before she made her next remark. “Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?”

  “Of course it was,” said the Mock Turtle.

  “And how did you manage on the twelfth?” Alice went on eagerly.

  “That’s enough about lessons,” the Gryphon interrupted in a very decided tone. “Tell her something about the games now.”

  Chapter X

  The Lobster Quadrille

  THE MOCK TURTLE sighed deeply, and drew the back of one flapper across his eyes. He looked at Alice, and tried to speak, but, for a minute or two, sobs choked his voice. “Same as if he had a bone in his throat,” said the Gryphon: and it set to work shaking him and punching him in the back. At last the Mock Turtle recovered his voice, and, with tears running down his cheeks, he went on again:—

  “You may not have lived much under the sea—” (“I haven’t,” said Alice)—“and perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster—” (Alice began to say “I once tasted—” but checked herself hastily, and said “No, never”) “—so you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster-Quadrille is!”

  “No, indeed,” said Alice. “What sort of a dance is it?”

  “Why,” said the Gryphon, “you first form into a line along the sea-shore—”

  “Two lines!” cried the Mock Turtle. “Seals, turtles, salmon, and so on: then, when you’ve cleared all the jelly-fish out of the way—”

  “That generally takes some time,” interrupted the Gryphon.

  “—you advance twice—”

  “Each with a lobster as a partner!” cried the Gryphon.

  “Of course,” the Mock Turtle said: “advance twice, set to partners—”

  “—change lobsters, and retire in same order,” continued the Gryphon.

  “Then, you know,” the Mock Turtle went on, “you throw the—”

  “The lobsters!” shouted the Gryphon, with a bound into the air.

  “—as far out to sea as you can—”

  “Swim after them!” screamed the Gryphon.

  “Turn a somersault in the sea!” cried the Mock Turtle, capering wildly about.

  “Change lobsters again!” yelled the Gryphon at the top of its voice.

  “Back to land again, and—that’s all the first figure,” said the Mock Turtle, suddenly dropping his voice; and the two creatures, who had been jumping about like mad things all this time, sat down again very sadly and quietly, and looked at Alice.

  “It must be a very pretty dance,” said Alice timidly.

  “Would you like to see a little of it?” said the Mock Turtle.

  “Very much indeed,” said Alice.

  “Come, let’s try the first figure!” said the Mock Turtle to the Gryphon. “We can do without lobsters, you know. Which shall sing?”

  “Oh, you sing,” said the Gryphon. “I’ve forgotten the words.”

  So they began solemnly dancing round and round Alice, every now and then treading on her toes when they passed too close, and waving their forepaws to mark the time, while the Mock Turtle sang this, very slowly and sadly:—

  “‘Will you walk a little faster?’ said a whiting to a snail,

  ‘There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.

  See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!

  They are waiting on the shingle—will you come and join the dance?

  Will you, wo’n’t you, will you, wo’n’t you, will you join the dance?

  Will you, wo’n’t you, will you, wo’n’t you, wo’n’t you join the dance?

  ‘You can really have no notion how delightful it will be

  When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!’

  But the snail replied ‘Too far, too far!’, and gave a look askance—

  Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.

  Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.

  Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.

  “‘What matters it how far we go?’ his scaly friend replied.

  ‘There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.

  The further off from England the nearer is to France—

  Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.’

  Will you, wo’n’t you, will you, wo’n’t you, will you join the dance?

  Will you, wo’n’t you, will you, wo’n’t you, wo’n’t you join the dance?”

  “Thank you, it’s a very interesting dance to watch,” said Alice, feeling very glad that it was over at last: “and I do so like that curious song about the whiting!”

  “Oh, as to the whiting,” said the Mock Turtle, “they—you’ve seen them, of course?”

  “Yes,” said Alice, “I’ve often seen them at dinn—” she checked herself hastily.

  “I don’t know where Dinn may be,” said the Mock Turtle; “but, if you’ve seen them so often, of course you know what they’re like.”

  “I believe so,” Alice replied thoughtfully. “They have their tails in their mouths—and they’re all over crumbs.”

  “You’re wrong about the crumbs,” said the Mock Turtle: “crumbs would all wash off in the sea. But they have their tails in their mouths; and the reason is—” here the Mock Turtle yawned and shut his eyes.—”Tell her about the reason and all that,” he said to the Gryphon.

  “The reason is,” said the Gryphon, “that they would go with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails fast in their mouths. So they couldn’t get them out again. That’s all.”

  “Thank you,” said Alice, “it’s very interesting. I never knew so much about a whiting before.”

  “I can tell you more than that, if you like,” said the Gryphon. “Do you know why it’s called a whiting?”

  “I never thought about it,” said Alice. “Why?”

  “It does the boots and shoes,” the Gryphon replied very solemnly.

  Alice was thoroughly puzzled. “Does the boots and shoes!” she repeated in a wondering tone.

  “Why, what are your shoes done with?” said the Gryphon. “I mean, what makes them so shiny?”

  Alice looked down at them, and considered a little before she gave her answer. “They’re done with blacking, I believe.”

  “Boots and shoes under the sea,” the Gryphon went on in a deep voice, “are done with whiting. Now you know.”

  “And what are they made of?” Alice asked in a tone of great curiosity.

  “Soles and eels, of course,” the Gryphon replied rather impatiently: “any shrimp could have told you that.”

  “If I’d been the whiting,” said Alice, whose thoughts were still running on the song, “I’d have said to the porpoise, ‘Keep back, please! We don’t want you with us!’”

  “They were obliged to have him with them,” the Mock Turtle said: “no wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.”

  “Wouldn’t it, really?” said Alice in a tone of great surprise.

  “Of course not,” said the Mock Turtle. “Why, if a fish came to me, and told me he was going a journey, I should say ‘With what porpoise?’”

  “Don’t you mean ‘purpose’?” said Alice.

  “I mean what I say,” the Mock Turtle replied in an offended tone. And the Gryphon added “Come, let’s hear some of your adventures.”

  “I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,” said Alice a little timidly: “but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

  “Explain all that,” said the Mock Turtle.

  “No, no! The adventures first,” said the Gryphon in an impatient tone: “explanations take such a dreadful time.”

  So Alice began telling them her adventures from the time when she first saw the White Rabbit. She was a l
ittle nervous about it, just at first, the two creatures got so close to her, one on each side, and opened their eyes and mouths so very wide; but she gained courage as she went on. Her listeners were perfectly quiet till she got to the part about her repeating “You are old, Father William,” to the Caterpillar, and the words all coming different, and then the Mock Turtle drew a long breath, and said “That’s very curious!”

  “It’s all about as curious as it can be,” said the Gryphon.

  “It all came different!” the Mock Turtle repeated thoughtfully. “I should like to hear her try and repeat something now. Tell her to begin.” He looked at the Gryphon as if he thought it had some kind of authority over Alice.

  “Stand up and repeat ‘’Tis the voice of the sluggard,’” said the Gryphon.

  “How the creatures order one about, and make one repeat lessons!” thought Alice. “I might as well be at school at once.” However, she got up, and began to repeat it, but her head was so full of the Lobster-Quadrille, that she hardly knew what she was saying; and the words came very queer indeed:—

  “’Tis the voice of the Lobster; I heard him declare

  ‘You have baked me too brown, I must sugar my hair.’

  As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose

  Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.

  When the sands are all dry, he is gay as a lark,

  And will talk in contemptuous tones of the Shark:

  But, when the tide rises and sharks are around,

  His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.”

  “That’s different from what I used to say when I was a child,” said the Gryphon.

  “Well, I never heard it before,” said the Mock Turtle; “but it sounds uncommon nonsense.”

  Alice said nothing: she had sat down with her face in her hands, wondering if anything would ever happen in a natural way again.