O Frabjous Day! Read online

  The Carpenter said nothing but 'The butter's spread too thick!'

  'I weep for you,' the Walrus said: 'I deeply sympathise.'

  With sobs and tears he sorted out Those of the largest size, Holding his pocket-handkerchief Before his streaming eyes.

  'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter, 'You've had a pleasant run!

  Shall we be trotting home again?'

  But answer came there none -

  And this was scarcely odd, because They'd eaten every one.

  [The White Knight's Song]

  I'll tell thee everything I can: There's little to relate.

  I saw an aged, aged man,

  A-sitting on a gate.

  'Who are you, aged man?' I said.

  'And how is it you live?'

  And his answer trickled through my head, Like water through a sieve.

  He said, 'I look for butterflies That sleep among the wheat; I make them into mutton-pies, And sell them in the street.

  I sell them unto men,' he said, 'Who sail on stormy seas;

  And that's the way I get my bread -

  A trifle, if you please.'

  But I was thinking of a plan To dye one's whiskers green, And always use so large a fan That they could not be seen.

  So, having no reply to give To what the old man said,

  I cried, 'Come, tell me how you live!'

  And thumped him on the head.

  His accents mild took up the tale: He said, 'I go my ways,

  And when I find a mountain-rill, I set it in a blaze;

  And thence they make a stuff they call Rowland's Macassar-Oil -

  Yet twopence-halfpenny is all They give me for my toil.'

  But I was thinking of a way To feed oneself on batter, And so go on from day to day Getting a little fatter.

  I shook him well from side to side, Until his face was blue,

  'Come, tell me how you live,' I cried, 'And what it is you do!'

  He said, 'I hunt for haddocks' eyes Among the heather bright,

  And work them into waistcoat-buttons In the silent night.

  And these I do not sell for gold Or coin of silvery shine,

  But for a copper halfpenny, And that will purchase nine.

  'I sometimes dig for buttered rolls, Or set limed twigs for crabs; I sometimes search the grassy knolls For wheels of hansom-cabs.

  And that's the way' (he gave a wink) 'By which I get my wealth -

  And very gladly will I drink Your Honour's noble health.'

  I heard him then, for I had just Completed my design

  To keep the Menai bridge from rust By boiling it in wine.

  I thanked him much for telling me The way he got his wealth, But chiefly for his wish that he Might drink my noble health.

  And now, if e'er by chance I put My fingers into glue,

  Or madly squeeze a right-hand foot Into a left-hand shoe,

  Or if I drop upon my toe

  A very heavy weight,

  I weep, for it reminds me so Of that old man I used to know -

  Whose look was mild, whose speech was slow, Whose hair was whiter than the snow, Whose face was very like a crow, With eyes, like cinders, all aglow, Who seemed distracted with his woe, Who rocked his body to and fro, And muttered mumblingly and low, As if his mouth were full of dough, Who snorted like a buffalo -

  That summer evening long ago, A-sitting on a gate.

  [The Gardener's Song]

  He thought he saw an Elephant That practised on a fife:

  He looked again, and found it was A letter from his wife.

  'At length I realise,' he said, 'The bitterness of Life.'

  He thought he saw a Buffalo Upon the chimney-piece:

  He looked again, and found it was His Sister's Husband's Niece.

  'Unless you leave this house,' he said, 'I'll send for the Police!'

  He thought he saw a Rattlesnake That questioned him in Greek: He looked again, and found it was The Middle of Next Week.

  'The one thing I regret,' he said, 'Is that it cannot speak!'

  He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk Descending from the bus:

  He looked again, and found it was A Hippopotamus.

  'If this should stay to dine,' he said, 'There won't be much for us!'

  He thought he saw a Kangaroo That worked a coffee-mill: He looked again, and found it was A Vegetable-Pill.

  'Were I to swallow this,' he said, 'I should be very ill!'

  He thought he saw a Coach-and-Four That stood beside his bed: He looked again, and found it was A Bear without a Head.

  'Poor thing,' he said, 'poor silly thing!

  It's waiting to be fed!'

  He thought he saw an Albatross That fluttered round the lamp: He looked again, and found it was A Penny-Postage-Stamp.

  'You'd best be getting home,' he said: 'The nights are very damp!'

  He thought he saw a Garden-Door That opened with a key:

  He looked again, and found it was A Double Rule of Three.

  'And all its mystery,' he said, 'Is clear as day to me!'

  He thought he saw an Argument That proved he was the Pope: He looked again, and found it was A Bar of Mottled Soap.

  'A fact so dread,' he faintly said, 'Extinguishes all hope!'

  from The Hunting of the Snark

  FIT THE FIRST

  THE LANDING

  'Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, As he landed his crew with care;

  Supporting each man on the top of the tide

  By a finger entwined in his hair.

  'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: That alone should encourage the crew.

  Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: What I tell you three times is true.'

  The crew was complete: it included a Boots -

  A maker of Bonnets and Hoods -

  A Barrister, brought to arrange their disputes -

  And a Broker, to value their goods.

  A Billiard-marker, whose skill was immense,

  Might perhaps have won more than his share -

  But a Banker, engaged at enormous expense,

  Had the whole of their cash in his care.

  There was also a Beaver, that paced on the deck, Or would sit making lace in the bow:

  And had often (the Bellman said) saved them from wreck Though none of the sailors knew how.

  There was one who was famed for the number of things He forgot when he entered the ship:

  His umbrella, his watch, all his jewels and rings, And the clothes he had bought for the trip.

  He had forty-two boxes, all carefully packed, With his name painted clearly on each:

  But, since he omitted to mention the fact,

  They were all left behind on the beach.

  The loss of his clothes hardly mattered, because He had seven coats on when he came,

  With three pairs of boots - but the worst of it was, He had wholly forgotten his name.

  He would answer to 'Hi!' or to any loud cry, Such as 'Fry me!' or 'Fritter my wig!'

  To 'What-you-may-call-um!' or 'What-was-his-name!'

  But especially 'Thingum-a-jig!'

  While, for those who preferred a more forcible word, He had different names from these:

  His intimate friends called him 'Candle-ends,'

  And his enemies 'Toasted-cheese.'

  'His form is ungainly - his intellect small -'

  (So the Bellman would often remark) -

  'But his courage is perfect! And that, after all, Is the thing that one needs with a Snark.'

  He would joke with hyaenas, returning their stare With an impudent wag of the head:

  And he once went a walk, paw-in-paw, with a bear, 'Just to keep up its spirits,' he said.

  He came as a Baker: but owned, when too late -

  And it drove the poor Bellman half-mad -

  He could only bake Bridecake - for which, I may state, No materials were to be had.

  The last of the crew needs especial remark,


  Though he looked an incredible dunce:

  He had just one idea - but, that one being 'Snark,'

  The good Bellman engaged him at once.

  He came as a Butcher: but gravely declared,

  When the ship had been sailing a week,

  He could only kill Beavers. The Bellman looked scared, And was almost too frightened to speak:

  But at length he explained, in a tremulous tone, There was only one Beaver on board;

  And that was a tame one he had of his own,

  Whose death would be deeply deplored.

  The Beaver, who happened to hear the remark, Protested, with tears in its eyes,

  That not even the rapture of hunting the Snark Could atone for that dismal surprise!

  It strongly advised that the Butcher should be Conveyed in a separate ship:

  But the Bellman declared that would never agree With the plans he had made for the trip:

  Navigation was always a difficult art,

  Though with only one ship and one bell:

  And he feared he must really decline, for his part, Undertaking another as well.

  The Beaver's best course was, no doubt, to procure A second-hand dagger-proof coat -

  So the Baker advised it - and next, to insure Its life in some Office of note:

  This the Banker suggested, and offered for hire (On moderate terms), or for sale,

  Two excellent Policies, one Against Fire,

  And one Against Damage From Hail.

  Yet still, ever after that sorrowful day,

  Whenever the Butcher was by,

  The Beaver kept looking the opposite way,

  And appeared unaccountably shy.

  FIT THE SECOND

  THE BELLMAN'S SPEECH

  The Bellman himself they all praised to the skies -

  Such a carriage, such ease and such grace!

  Such solemnity, too! One could see he was wise, The moment one looked in his face!

  He had bought a large map representing the sea, Without the least vestige of land:

  And the crew were much pleased when they found it to be A map they could all understand.

  'What's the good of Mercator's North Poles and Equators, Tropics, Zones, and Meridian Lines?'

  So the Bellman would cry: and the crew would reply 'They are merely conventional signs!

  'Other maps are such shapes, with their islands and capes!

  But we've got our brave Captain to thank'

  (So the crew would protest) 'that he's bought us the best -

  A perfect and absolute blank!'

  This was charming, no doubt: but they shortly found out That the Captain they trusted so well

  Had only one notion for crossing the ocean,

  And that was to tingle his bell.

  He was thoughtful and grave - but the orders he gave Were enough to bewilder a crew.

  When he cried 'Steer to starboard, but keep her head larboard!'

  What on earth was the helmsman to do?

  Then the bowsprit got mixed with the rudder sometimes: A thing, as the Bellman remarked,

  That frequently happens in tropical climes,

  When a vessel is, so to speak, 'snarked.'

  But the principal failing occurred in the sailing, And the Bellman, perplexed and distressed,

  Said he had hoped, at least, when the wind blew due East, That the ship would not travel due West!

  But the danger was past - they had landed at last, With their boxes, portmanteaus, and bags:

  Yet at first sight the crew were not pleased with the view Which consisted of chasms and crags.

  The Bellman perceived that their spirits were low, And repeated in musical tone

  Some jokes he had kept for a season of woe -

  But the crew would do nothing but groan.

  He served out some grog with a liberal hand, And bade them sit down on the beach:

  And they could not but own that their Captain looked grand, As he stood and delivered his speech.

  'Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend me your ears!'

  (They were all of them fond of quotations:

  So they drank to his health, and they gave him three cheers, While he served out additional rations).

  'We have sailed many months, we have sailed many weeks, (Four weeks to the month you may mark),

  But never as yet ('tis your Captain who speaks) Have we caught the least glimpse of a Snark!

  'We have sailed many weeks, we have sailed many days, (Seven days to the week I allow),

  But a Snark, on the which we might lovingly gaze, We have never beheld till now!

  'Come, listen, my men, while I tell you again The five unmistakable marks

  By which you may know, wheresoever you go,

  The warranted genuine Snarks.

  'Let us take them in order. The first is the taste, Which is meagre and hollow, but crisp:

  Like a coat that is rather too tight in the waist, With a flavour of Will-o'-the-Wisp.

  'Its habit of getting up late you'll agree

  That it carries too far, when I say

  That it frequently breakfasts at five-o'clock tea, And dines on the following day.

  'The third is its slowness in taking a jest.

  Should you happen to venture on one,

  It will sigh like a thing that is deeply distressed: And it always looks grave at a pun.

  'The fourth is its fondness for bathing-machines, Which it constantly carries about,

  And believes that they add to the beauty of scenes -

  A sentiment open to doubt.

  'The fifth is ambition. It next will be right To describe each particular batch:

  Distinguishing those that have feathers, and bite, And those that have whiskers, and scratch.

  'For, although common Snarks do no manner of harm, Yet, I feel it my duty to say,

  Some are Boojums -' The Bellman broke off in alarm, For the Baker had fainted away.

  FIT THE THIRD

  THE BAKER'S TALE

  They roused him with muffins - they roused him with ice -

  They roused him with mustard and cress -

  They roused him with jam and judicious advice -

  They set him conundrums to guess.

  When at length he sat up and was able to speak, His sad story he offered to tell;

  And the Bellman cried 'Silence! Not even a shriek!'

  And excitedly tingled his bell.

  There was silence supreme! Not a shriek, not a scream, Scarcely even a howl or a groan,

  As the man they called 'Ho!' told his story of woe In an antediluvian tone.

  'My father and mother were honest, though poor -'

  'Skip all that!' cried the Bellman in haste.

  'If it once becomes dark, there's no chance of a Snark -

  We have hardly a minute to waste!'

  'I skip forty years,' said the Baker in tears, 'And proceed without further remark

  To the day when you took me aboard of your ship To help you in hunting the Snark.

  'A dear uncle of mine (after whom I was named) Remarked, when I bade him farewell -'

  'Oh, skip your dear uncle!' the Bellman exclaimed, As he angrily tingled his bell.

  'He remarked to me then,' said that mildest of men, '"If your Snark be a Snark, that is right:

  Fetch it home by all means - you may serve it with greens And it's handy for striking a light.

  '"You may seek it with thimbles - and seek it with care -

  You may hunt it with forks and hope;

  You may threaten its life with a railway-share; You may charm it with smiles and soap -" '

  ('That's exactly the method,' the Bellman bold In a hasty parenthesis cried,

  'That's exactly the way I have always been told That the capture of Snarks should be tried!')

  '"But oh, beamish nephew, beware of the day, If your Snark be a Boojum! For then

  You will softly and suddenly vanish away,

  And never be
met with again!"

  'It is this, it is this that oppresses my soul, When I think of my uncle's last words:

  And my heart is like nothing so much as a bowl Brimming over with quivering curds!

  'It is this, it is this -' 'We have had that before!'

  The Bellman indignantly said.

  And the Baker replied 'Let me say it once more.

  It is this, it is this that I dread!

  'I engage with the Snark - every night after dark -

  In a dreamy delirious fight:

  I serve it with greens in those shadowy scenes, And I use it for striking a light:

  'But if ever I meet with a Boojum, that day, In a moment (of this I am sure),

  I shall softly and suddenly vanish away -

  And the notion I cannot endure!'

  FIT THE FOURTH

  THE HUNTING

  The Bellman looked uffish, and wrinkled his brow.

  'If only you'd spoken before!

  It's excessively awkward to mention it now,

  With the Snark, so to speak, at the door!

  'We should all of us grieve, as you well may believe, If you never were met with again -

  But surely, my man, when the voyage began,

  You might have suggested it then?

  'It's excessively awkward to mention it now -

  As I think I've already remarked.'

  And the man they called 'Hi!' replied, with a sigh, 'I informed you the day we embarked.

  'You may charge me with murder - or want of sense -

  (We are all of us weak at times):

  But the slightest approach to a false pretence Was never among my crimes!

  'I said it in Hebrew - I said it in Dutch -

  I said it in German and Greek:

  But I wholly forgot (and it vexes me much)

  That English is what you speak!'

  ''Tis a pitiful tale,' said the Bellman, whose face Had grown longer at every word: