Alice in Zombieland Read online

  ‘How doth the little crocodile

  Improve his shining tail,

  And pour the waters of the Nile

  On every golden scale!

  ‘How cheerfully he seems to grin,

  How neatly spread his claws,

  And welcome little fishes in

  With gently smiling jaws!’

  ‘I’m sure those are not the right words,’ said poor Alice. She could hardly think of anything but how she was ravenous for something she could not name. And her eyes filled with tears again as she went on, ‘I must be Mabel after all, for she eats and eats all the time and hardly has time to play, and I shall have to go and live in that poky little house, and have next to no toys to play with, and oh! ever so many lessons to learn! No, I’ve made up my mind about it; if I’m Mabel, I’ll stay down here! It’ll be no use their putting their heads down and saying “Come up again, dear!” I shall only look up and say “Who am I then? Tell me that first, and then, if I like being that person, I’ll come up: if not, I’ll stay down here till I’m somebody else” —but, oh dear!’ cried Alice, with a sudden burst of tears, ‘I do wish they would put their heads down! I am so very tired of being all alone here!’

  As she said this she looked down at her hands, and was surprised to see that she had put on one of the Rat’s little white kid gloves while she was talking. ‘How can I have done that?’ she thought. ‘I must be growing small again.’ She got up and went to the table to measure herself by it, and found that, as nearly as she could guess, she was now about two feet high, and was going on shrinking rapidly: she soon found out that the cause of this was the fan she was holding, and she dropped it hastily, just in time to avoid shrinking away altogether.

  ‘That was a narrow escape!’ said Alice, a good deal frightened at the sudden change, but very glad to find herself still in existence; ‘and now for the graveyard!’ and she ran with all speed back to the little door: but, alas! the little door was shut again, and the little golden key was lying on the glass table as before, ‘and things are worse than ever,’ thought the poor child, ‘for I never was so small as this before, never! And I declare it’s too bad, that it is! But at least my head no longer pains me. If only I could figure out what I’m so hungry for, though.’

  As she said these words her foot slipped, and in another moment, splash! she was up to her chin in salty, warm blood. Her first idea was that she had somehow fallen into the sea, ‘and in that case I can go back by railway,’ she said to herself. (Alice had been to the seaside once in her life, and had come to the general conclusion, that wherever you go to on the English coast you find a number of bathing machines in the sea, some children digging in the sand with wooden spades, then a row of lodging houses, and behind them a railway station.) However, she soon made out that she was in the pool of blood which she had bled when she was nine feet high.

  ‘I wish I hadn’t bled so much!’ said Alice, as she swam about, trying to find her way out. ‘I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own blood! That will be a queer thing, to be sure! However, everything is queer to-day.’

  Just then she heard something splashing about in the blood pool a little way off, and she swam nearer to make out what it was: at first she thought it must be a walrus or hippopotamus, but then she remembered how small she was now, and she soon made out that it was only a mouse that had slipped in like herself.

  ‘Would it be of any use, now,’ thought Alice, ‘to speak to this mouse? Everything is so out-of-the-way down here, that I should think very likely it can talk: at any rate, there’s no harm in trying.’ So she began: ‘O Mouse, do you know the way out of this pool? I am very tired of swimming about here, O Mouse!’ (Alice thought this must be the right way of speaking to a mouse: she had never done such a thing before, but she remembered having seen in her brother’s Latin Grammar, ‘A mouse—of a mouse—to a mouse—a mouse—O mouse!’ The Mouse looked at her rather inquisitively, and seemed to her to wink with one of its little eyes, but it said nothing.

  ‘Perhaps it doesn’t understand English,’ thought Alice; ‘I daresay it’s a French mouse, come over with William the Conqueror.’ (For, with all her knowledge of history, Alice had no very clear notion how long ago anything had happened.) So she began again: ‘Ou est ma chatte?’ which was the first sentence in her French lesson-book. The Mouse gave a sudden leap out of the warm blood, and seemed to quiver all over with fright. ‘Oh, I beg your pardon!’ cried Alice hastily, afraid that she had hurt the poor animal’s feelings. ‘I quite forgot you didn’t like cats.’

  ‘Not like cats!’ cried the Mouse, in a shrill, passionate voice. ‘Would you like cats if you were me?’

  ‘Well, perhaps not,’ said Alice in a soothing tone: ‘don’t be angry about it. And yet I wish I could show you our cat Dinah: I think you’d take a fancy to cats if you could only see her. She is such a dear quiet thing,’ Alice went on, half to herself, as she swam lazily about in the sticky thick blood, ‘and she sits purring so nicely by the fire, licking her paws and washing her face—and she is such a nice soft thing to nurse—and she’s such a capital one for catching mice—oh, I beg your pardon!’ cried Alice again, for this time the Mouse was bristling all over, and she felt certain it must be really offended. ‘We won’t talk about her any more if you’d rather not.’

  ‘We indeed!’ cried the Mouse, who was trembling down to the end of his tail. ‘As if I would talk on such a subject! Our family always hated cats: nasty, low, vulgar things! Don’t let me hear the name again!’

  ‘I won’t indeed!’ said Alice, in a great hurry to change the subject of conversation. ‘Are you—are you fond—of—of dogs?’ The Mouse did not answer, so Alice went on eagerly: ‘There is such a nice little dog near our house I should like to show you! A little bright-eyed terrier, you know, with oh, such long curly brown hair! And it’ll fetch things when you throw them, and it’ll sit up and beg for its dinner, and all sorts of things—I can’t remember half of them—and it belongs to a farmer, you know, and he says it’s so useful, it’s worth a hundred pounds! He says it kills all the rats and—oh dear!’ cried Alice in a sorrowful tone, ‘I’m afraid I’ve offended it again!’ For the Mouse was swimming away from her as hard as it could go, and making quite a commotion in the pool as it went.

  But the thought of the frisky dogs snapping little squealing rats in half, gulping down their warm, trembling flesh, got her hungry all over again. She licked her lips and looked after the nice fat little Mouse with new eyes.

  So she called softly after it, ‘Mouse dear! Do come back again, and we won’t talk about cats or dogs either, if you don’t like them!’ When the Mouse heard this, it turned round and swam slowly back to her: its face was quite fat and full looking, Alice thought, and it said in a low trembling voice, ‘Let us get to the shore, and then I’ll tell you my history, and you’ll understand why it is I hate cats and dogs.’

  It was high time to go, for the pool was getting quite crowded with the birds and animals that had fallen into it: there were a Duck and a Dodo, a Lory and an Eaglet, and several other curious creatures. Alice led the way, and the whole party swam to the shore. Along the way, she wondered what each and every one of them might taste like if she were to take a bite—oh, only a little one—at first. Her stomach gave a strange gurgle of agreement.

  Chapter 3 A Zombie-Race and a Long Tale

  They were indeed a queer-looking party that assembled on the bank—the birds with draggled feathers, the animals with their fur clinging close to them, and all dripping wet, cross, and uncomfortable. All of them were covered in Alice’s now cold and congealed blood, which made them even tastier looking to poor hungry Alice.

  The first question of course was, how to get dry again: they had a consultation about this, and after a few minutes it seemed quite natural to Alice to find herself talking familiarly with them, as if she had known them all her life. Indeed, she had quite a long argument with the Lory, who at last turned sulky, and woul
d only say, ‘I am older than you, and must know better’; and this Alice would not allow without knowing how old it was, and, as the Lory positively refused to tell its age, there was no more to be said. Besides, she was afraid to get too close to him to guess his age, for his small little legs were beginning to look quite scrumptious to her. She felt her mouth water at the thought of taking one of his young or old legs—which ever—between her teeth and pulling the warm flesh from it. It was all she could do to move away from him and join the others.

  At last the Mouse, who seemed to be a person of authority among them, called out, ‘Sit down, all of you, and listen to me! I’ll soon make you dry enough!’ They all sat down at once, in a large ring, with the Mouse in the middle. Alice kept her eyes anxiously fixed on it, for she wanted very much to nibble on his tiny tail, to see if it tasted like licorice as she though it might.

  ‘Ahem!’ said the Mouse with an important air, ‘are you all ready? This is the driest thing I know. Silence all round, if you please! “William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria—”

  ‘Ugh!’ said the Lory, with a shiver.

  ‘I beg your pardon!’ said the Mouse, frowning, but very politely: ‘Did you speak?’

  ‘Not I!’ said the Lory hastily.

  ‘I thought you did,’ said the Mouse. ‘—I proceed. “Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable—”’

  ‘Found what?’ said the Duck.

  ‘Found it,’ the Mouse replied rather crossly: ‘of course you know what “it” means.’

  ‘I know what “it” means well enough, when I find a thing,’ said the Duck: ‘it’s generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?’

  The Mouse did not notice this question, but hurriedly went on, “—found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling to meet William and offer him the crown. William’s conduct at first was moderate. But the insolence of his Normans—” How are you getting on now, my dear?’ it continued, turning to Alice as it spoke.

  ‘Hungry—I mean as wet as ever,’ said Alice in a melancholy tone: ‘it doesn’t seem to dry me at all.’

  The Dodo looked her over humorlessly, his little eyes staring at her wilting hair and pale skin.

  Alice’s brow furrowed in aggravation and she was about to say something, but as she opened her mouth to speak, one of her teeth tumbled from her mouth, and she was so disturbed to see it fall to the ground, she kept her mouth close-lipped from that moment on. Her hair was falling out, and now her teeth, too? Alice felt a chill wash over her that could not be blamed solely on being soaking wet.

  ‘In that case,’ said the Dodo solemnly, rising to its feet, ‘I move that the meeting adjourn, for the immediate adoption of more energetic remedies—’

  ‘Speak English!’ said the Eaglet. ‘I don’t know the meaning of half those long words, and, what’s more, I don’t believe you do either!’ And the Eaglet bent down its head to hide a smile: some of the other birds tittered audibly.

  ‘What I was going to say,’ said the Dodo in an offended tone, ‘was, that the best thing to get us dry would be a Zombie-race.’

  ‘What is a Zombie-race?’ said Alice; not that she wanted much to know, but the Dodo had paused as if it thought that somebody ought to speak, and no one else seemed inclined to say anything.

  ‘Why,’ said the Dodo, ‘the best way to explain it is to do it.’ (And, as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day, I will tell you how the Dodo managed it.)

  First it marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle, (‘the exact shape doesn’t matter,’ it said,) and then all the party were placed along the course, here and there. There was no ‘One, two, three, and away,’ but they began stumbling around in circles, eyes rolled to the backs of their heads, arms held out, making low moaning sounds. It was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been moaning and staggering around for half an hour or so, and were quite dry again, the Dodo suddenly called out ‘The race is over!’ and they all crowded round it, panting, and asking, ‘But who has won?’

  This question the Dodo could not answer without a great deal of thought, and it sat for a long time with one finger pressed upon its forehead (the position in which you usually see Shakespeare, in the pictures of him), while the rest waited in silence. At last the Dodo said, ‘Everybody has won, and all must have prizes.’

  ‘But who is to give the prizes?’ quite a chorus of voices asked.

  ‘Why, she, of course,’ said the Dodo, pointing to Alice with one finger; and the whole party at once crowded round her, calling out in a confused way, ‘Prizes! Prizes!’

  Alice had no idea what to do, and in despair she put her hand in her pocket, and pulled out a box of comfits, (luckily the blood had not got into it), and handed them round as prizes. There was exactly one a-piece all round.

  ‘But she must have a prize herself, you know,’ said the delicious-looking little Mouse.

  ‘Of course,’ the tasty Dodo replied very gravely. ‘What else have you got in your pocket?’ he went on, turning to Alice.

  ‘Only a thimble,’ said Alice sadly, still thinking how much she would like to eat her new friends. She could not decide if she would do so with sauce or not. She wasn’t sure it mattered much as she could not think of a polite way to ask them for a taste of their flesh.

  ‘Hand it over here,’ said the Dodo.

  Then they all crowded round her once more, while the Dodo solemnly presented the thimble, saying ‘We beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble’; and, when it had finished this short speech, they all cheered.

  ‘If only the Queen herself was here to present it, perhaps it would have more meaning,’ said the Eaglet.

  ‘More meaning, indeed,’ humphed the Dodo. ‘Besides, I feel sure not everyone here would appreciate a visit from the Red Queen.’ And he looked most sternly at Alice.

  Alice thought the whole thing very absurd, but they all looked so grave that she did not dare to laugh; and, as she could not think of anything to say, she simply bowed, and took the thimble, looking as solemn as she could. Perhaps sauce would be best, she thought, licking her lips again.

  The next thing was to eat the comfits: this caused some noise and confusion, as the large birds complained that they could not taste theirs, and the small ones choked and had to be patted on the back. Much to Alice’s despair, no one died, so that she could ask to have a taste before burial. However, it was over at last, and they sat down again in a ring, and begged the Mouse to tell them something more.

  ‘You promised to tell me your history, you know,’ said Alice, ‘and why it is you hate—C and D,’ she added in a whisper, half afraid that it would be offended again.

  ‘Mine is a long and a sad tale!’ said the Mouse, turning to Alice, and sighing.

  ‘It is a long tail, certainly,’ said Alice, looking down with wonder at the Mouse’s tail; ‘but why do you call it sad? I think it looks wonderfully delicious.’ And she kept on puzzling about it while the Mouse was speaking, so that her idea of the tale was something like this:

  Fury said to a

  mouse, That he

  met in the

  house,

  “Let us

  both go to

  law: I will

  prosecute

  I’ll take no

  denial; We

  must have a

  trial: For

  really this

  morning I’ve

  nothing

  to do.”

  Said the

  mouse to the

  cur, “Such

  a trial,

  dear Sir,

  With

  no jury

  or judge,

  would be

/>   wasting

  our

  breath.”

  “I’ll be

  judge, I’ll

  be jury,”

  Said

  cunning

  old Fury:

  “I’ll

  try the

  whole

  cause,

  and

  condemn

  you

  to

  death.”

  ‘You are not attending!’ said the Mouse to Alice severely. ‘What are you thinking of?’

  ‘I beg your pardon,’ said Alice very humbly: ‘you had got to the fifth bend, I think?’

  ‘I had not!’ cried the Mouse, sharply and very angrily.

  ‘A knot!’ said Alice, always ready to make herself useful, and looking anxiously about her. ‘Oh, do let me help to undo it!’ Perhaps she could nibble a little and he would not notice if only a tiny bit of his tail was missing.

  ‘I shall do nothing of the sort,’ said the Mouse, getting up and walking away. ‘You insult me by talking such nonsense!’

  ‘I didn’t mean it!’ pleaded poor Alice, trying to hide the ravenous hunger in her starving eyes. ‘But you’re so easily offended, you know!’

  The Mouse only growled in reply.